Early Mornings

I woke up this morning and laid still for a while, listening to the boy breathing gently beside me. I turned my head to look at him and he must have sensed that I'd woken up because he rolled over and put his arm over me and dragged me towards him. The most perfect time of the day; the boy is quiet and still and I'm cuddling him.

But I need to go and put the bins out before 7am so I pull back the duvet trying to leave the boy covered up. He sleepily asks if I would like any help, but he doesn't look as if wants to move so I decline and go downstairs.

The bins are out and everything is quiet, a rare thing in my terraced house. I like being able to hear the dulled conversations, the music and the sound of other people's washing machines through the walls. It's comforting to know that other people are living their lives, just like I am. And, on the rare occassion there isn't any noise, it's a treat. I'm tempted to sit downstairs with a coffee and a book and enjoy the peace, but instead, I walk back upstairs, pull back the duvet and climb into bed behind the boy. He turnes over and kisses me and I'm glad I didn't stay in the quiet cold downstairs.

However, early morning activites with the boy mean I have a speedy shower, most of it under the watchful eye of the boy who also needs shower before work. No time to chose an outfit today so grab jeans, t-shirt. We say goodbye at the bottom of the stairs and I don't want to go to work. I want to get into the car with the boy and walk along a beach and watch people over coffee, then stop for a beer and chat and laugh.

It's not often I feel like this though. Recently, there hasn't been enough time to even feel like I'm alive, let alone enjoy life. I pick up by bag and set off for work dashing into Cafe Nero's for a take away breakfast.

Bloomin Car

I must be feeling sleepy today - larger font!

I'm thinking about writing a book. Few ideas have popped into my head, but it would be a great way to excersise my brain in the way that the brain trainer has suggested - remembering things or making them up and then putting them down on paper. I'm going to make a start later on this evening. Watch this space.

At mum and dad's at the moment. My car is leaking oil so dad is having a look at it. I've shown some intereset but opting for a cuppa with mum instead. Also the cholera vaccination Itook yesterday has given me a bit of a headache so I'm a bit eggy.

Day Off!

I left the restuarant at a very reasonable 11pm last night, but after a full week of work that was plenty later enough. It was a good evening - well behaved customers, all in good spirits and the chef didn't chuck a wobbly once. Even the way job was OK yesterday.

But instead of waking up ready to face a work free day with happiness, I was in the foulest of moods. Although it was work free, I had to catch up and do the stacks of things in the week that I hadn't had the chance to do because I've spent so much time working. Got up, showered and headed to the pharmacy to collect my cholera vaccination for trip to Thailand and Cambodia and then planned to head into town to spend the moring at the Pitman training centre to tackle the next stage of my Access course. But, due to severe lack of motivation, I called the Pitman centre to appologise for absence and headed home to put the kettle on. Now I've just got back from a much needed day in Weymouth sitting in a pub and walking along the seafront.

In addition to working 2.5 jobs, trying to keep in touch with friends, not live in squallor and get out for the occassional run, I've got another thing to squeeze into my daily schedule. The Boy has bought me a Nintendo DS lite. Not sure what he's trying to tell me. Anyway, I've been practising maths and memory for almost a week now and have only just managed to get my mental agility down to my real age. The idea is to excersise the little grey cells until they have the agility of a 20 year old. If I miss a day, the machine tells me off and reminds me that I need to practise everyday or I'll turn into a dribbling mess. If the machine doesn't tell me, The Boy acts as understudy reminding my that he has a mental age of 26 and I have some aging brain of some one in my 30's. I'm not overly worried, I am someone in my 30's. But I won't be beaten.

As well as making me feel really thick, this machine dishes out advice on how to make more use of your brain in day to day situations. So, I have been reading signs and trying to work out what people are thinking and then put their feelings into words. In general I've been trying to pay attention to the things that are around me. Looking back on my day, I can remember lots more details about my surroundings than I would normally; the number of bike racks next to the beer garden and how the tables were arranged around the leafless tree. That kind of thing. And, although I must have been paying a certain amount of attention to reach 33 without walking under a bus / off a cliff, I think I might have been letting lots pass by. Not really enjoying the moment. Anyway, with all these new things that I am now going to notice, I've brought a word trainer to go into the DS so I'll be more eloquent (and have beter spelling) when I come to write my blogs.

DAILY SUMMARY

• Mood: Content and a bit tired
• Weather: Warmer than it has been but a bit windy
• Guinea Pigs: Ernie is in training to be more friendly.
• Book: I don't know how she does it

All Work and Not Play

I'm working alot at the moment. Normal run of the mill 8.30-5 in an office and then 2 evenings a week in a local restaurant and then people's ironing on the side. It doesn't leave much time for anything else. But there's a good reason for all this flurry of activity. Well, one really good reason, spurred on by a second.

Firstly, I'm broke. I don't over spend or live extravegantly unless you count the occassional beer or coffee in town. I don't eat out every day or take long holidays. Instead I take my own lunch to work and watch films with a glass of wine. I walk to work, hardly use my car. I earn an OK wage of £20k. But lots of it goes on the day to day - mortgage, bills, council tax. I rarely do a food shop and pop an extra jumper on if it's chilly. And on the whole I don't mind. My life is one of minimal stress because that's the way I chose to live it. Time to run and see my friends, walk and ride my bike. I don't have a life that's governed by spending hours at the office and waking the middle of the night because I've missed a deadline or worrying how I'm going to hit target. I've tried jobs that make me feel like that in the past and although the money is nice, it's marred by the monthly cross examination in the board room. So I'll skip it. Day to day I have just enough money. But if I have a large bill - broke car, house insurance, then I have been slowely slipping further and further into debt. Nothing I would loose too much sleep about.

Secondly, I need extra cash because I want to join in with other things that are going on - 2 weddings and associated nonsense including hen weekends, gifts, etc. All of which I love. Spending time with friends. And, hen weekends are real quality time. I've been on a couple recently and both have been perfect. Sitting anc chatting with friends and just passing time with them. I didn't want to either to be over. I've got another tomorrow, but that's differnt because I don't really know anyone gonig apart from the bride and a girl from a old work place.

Although the hen weekends are all part of the need to earn some extra cash. They're on the list of things that push my spending to beyond it's means. So, we're back to the start. I feel my only choice to have another job. Two nights a week in a restaurant are hardly going to pay for weekends away, but this is all damage limitation. This month I've done well. and it's pay day next week and I am only just starting to need my overdraft.

My time is not my own, but I feel I've identified that I have a problem and that I am addressing it and not just moaning about it. And that's a good feeling.

MOOD: Philosophical

WEATHER: Cold but bright